How To Trade Your Soul To The Field Services Company
Selling your soul is more difficult today than say last year. With the economy in such poor shape, there are many, many more active soul traders trying to get a piece of the action at field services companies.
Fortunately, some field service companies have perfected the soul trading industry and have become one-stop, turn-key resources for all aspects of the soul trading business.
Although some field service companies have made soul trading almost falling down simple, I wanted to help those that are still a little hesitant or lacking in direction. So here are some tips:
Commitment: This is probably the most important point to perfect so work on this as much as you can. You have got to be as much of a wimp as possible. Be as limp as a dish rag. Be absolutely certain that you let it be known that you are a true pushover. If you are asked to travel two hours one way for one $4 inspection; impress them – tell them you was just planning a trip there anyway!
Audition: Yes, it is indeed an audition. You have to perform to get this role as the most obedient and needy field rep they would ever hope to have. Leave your backbone at home. At this time in your career you don’t realize how much they will lie to you, but audition, baby. Try to win the liars’ contest. Try as hard as you may, you will never outdo them but you have to strive for perfection. You too may one day be a field service company vendor rep! Oh, sweet dreamer!
Posture: Not the “stand up straight” type of posture. What I’m talking about here is your mental attitude. If you have to, practice being humble and subservient in front of a mirror. It will really help if, while you are practicing, you hang your head a bit and never, never ever look up. If you make the mistake of making eye contact you’re a gonner. Walk around the room a bit mumbling “uhhh, okay”.
Self Worth: Pretend you are bird droppings splattered on the side walk. Practice, practice, practice. You have to be ready. You have to be in the right frame of mind so that there is absolutely no hesitation if you are asked to drive further, work for less, take a minimum of ten pictures, recheck properties you have never been to, overlook late payment or no payment at all, disobey “no trespassing signs”, and generally give the impression that you are, finally, the perfect field rep. The ideal rep they have been looking for ever since the rep you will be replacing signed on three days ago.
Sizzle: Yep, it still works: “Don’t sell the steak, sell the sizzle”! I know it probably sounds contradictory to everything else I’ve said but you’ve got to get this right too! Remember the bird droppings? Well, this kind of sizzle is more like from a dog – on a hot sidewalk – in August – with no breeze. Keep this vision in your head, especially when discussing coverage areas, counties, zones, zips – that kind of thing. Pretend you are standing before the parole board. Tell them anything they want to hear. Just be sure they understand that you need them more than anything in your life. Oops. Whatever comes after death too! You’re theirs for eternity!
Personal Qualifications: Boy, this one is real tricky. You have to be able to read and write to do this type of work, but make absolutely certain it appears that you only know how to read and write because your mother spent so much time with you. Even better, you could say you learned it in the state penitentiary. Darn. I messed up again. They will probably want you to pay $95 for a background check so say “night school” instead of “penitentiary”. That way they can pocket the whole $95.
The Clincher: Since these companies are always looking for new ways to get more for less, you can use it against them; throw out a clincher. What’s a cllincher you say? Tell them that your spouse or your brother, sister, anybody – it doesn’t really matter, will be working with you doing the paper work or driving or something. If you think you can perfect a story, talk about this person’s sleeping problem: Can’t really sleep hardly any at all so he or she will be up all night uploading all of the free pictures for you. That, my friend, is a clincher! Even the devil himself loves a bargain.
I don’t anticipate you will experience any discrimination but if there is any hint at all, just go along with it. Pretend you don’t notice. If you’re old, like over thirty, tell them you’re twenty-nine and you love to drive, drive, drive. One of your life-long ambitions is to drive, drive, drive.
Remember this, these companies are in the business of safeguarding their bottom line and you are a totally useless necessity; a thorn in their side and as soon as they can outsource this service to India the better. For now, they have to have you while they are perfecting making the google earth pictures look more current.
Good luck.
P.S. I know some of you are aggravated with the technology thing. I am preparing a class that will teach you how to handle business when their company server is down and you have inspections due yesterday that were sent to you today. We’ll also cover incompatible versions of Windows and how to load mutiple releases of Java so all company programs will kind of work. Stuff like that. It’s going to be a blast and I’m sure you will get a lot out of it. I’ll post the start date as soon as the virus I got from that last company site is eradicated.
Oh, and one last thing. If things don’t work out and you don’t sell your soul on the first go-around, there’s still hope. There are plenty of 0ld-fashioned companies that are still in the stone age. They treat people like human beings, if you can believe that! It’s tough, but sometimes you just have to settle for less.